Mercenary, Good with Infants
by doctoring
Summary: After a huge fight on the streets of New York, Deadpool spots a baby carriage rolling away. Now he's stuck trying to find a way to get this infant safely back to his mother. Maybe a certain friendly neighborhood hero would know what to do with misplaced babies. / A fic written for Writer's Month. Setting Prompt: accidental baby acquisition


_**BANG**_

The last bad guy was finally stopped. Deadpool spun around and blew at the smoke from his gun. He was goofing off, but also double checking the premises.

_Bad guys. Dead._

_Good guys. Hiding and/or huddled together._

_Good boy. Scratching at his collar._

_Best guy. Looking great in red._

_Baby carriage. Rolling along._

_Donuts. Half off._

Deadpool starts skipping along to reward himself with an after-scuffle snack, when he replayed that list in his head again.

_BABY CARRIAGE!?_

He rushes back, chasing down the rolling carriage. He grabs it just as one wheel leaves the sidewalk, right in front of a taxi slamming on its breaks. The driver yells at Deadpool.

"YOU HAD A STOP SIGN. YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO STOP ANYWAYS!"

_Wow. Barely had a child for five seconds and I'm already being all strict and stuff._

_What is this!?_

_Why do I have the sudden urge to build a retirement fund?_

He pulls the pram back onto the sidewalk, hoping to just leave it there, but then he hears it. Everyone hears it. The baby is crying as loud as possible.

"Great. Now I know how those parents feel when their offspring decide to make their presence known in public."

With a groan he turns the carriage, deciding to look for its mother so that she may calm the loud beast.

He turns it and walks back up the block. He only manages to push it back a few feet when he realizes the issue. He had no clue where this carriage came from. Among all the ambulances and police officers that _finally_ show up, he can't seem to find the mother or anyone else who may know of somebody that might be missing an entire baby, complete with transport vehicle and accessories. Luckily, the baby has stopped crying.

_But for how long?_

As he scans the area, looking for a solution, he spots the one person that can ruin his day. His most favorite NYPD, the one that's always trying to bring him in for murder, mayhem, and just plain existing.

He looks down at the baby, who looks a bit grumpy, bottom lip quivering, the dam clearly about to burst.

"No, no, no. Don't you dare!" He whispers harshly to the infant.

He ducks down low and runs with the carriage, turning down two blocks until he slips into a dead-end alleyway. He takes a moment catching his breath, as the baby starts to cry. He quickly picks it up, bouncing it to make it stop. The tiny knitted cap it was wearing slides off.

"Hey! We got the same haircut! Except your scalp looks _exceptional!_ Like a brand new baby or something! What lotion you use, kid?"

He holds the infant in one arm, bouncing it softly to keep it quiet. With the other, he maneuvers the pram in the alley, hiding it.

_Now how the hell do I get you back home without running into any men (or women) in blue? Especially ones that will shoot me first and ask questions never._

He thinks about it for a moment, before realizing that a certain neighborhood hero might know how to get out of this issue unscathed. He removes some of the weapons strapped to him, then makes a makeshift baby carrier from the blanket in the baby carriage.

"Hold on tight little dude. We're off to find someone else who likes wearing red spandex!"

Spider-Man is patrolling the rooftop when he believes he hears someone calling to him. His Spidey-senses weren't tingling, so he figured it wasn't trouble, just a fan, but their voice sounded distressed.

He swung down into an alleyway but was cautious all the same.

"SPIDEY! OVER HERE, SPIDEY!"

"Wade?" Spider-Man whips around and runs towards the next road. As he turns the corner, he stumbles to a stop.

Wade is power walking towards him, clutching his katanas, holder an all, to his chest. "Spidey! Thank goodness you're here. Geez, it's hard chasing after you when you can't run."

"Why can't you run? Are you hurt? And why aren't you wearing your swords?"

Spidey makes a move to look at Wade's backside, suspecting that's where the issue lies, when he hears a baby start to cry. He looks around briefly until he realized that the sound had also came from behind Wade. As the baby continued to cry, Spider-Man finally noticed the blue blanket wrapped around Wade's torso.

"WADE. YOU DIDN'T… DID YOU?"

"Webs, I wanted to tell you, honest, but I was afraid you'd leave me if I told you I already had a kid."

Spider-Man rushes over and takes the infant from Deadpool. He tries bouncing it and burping it, but it keeps crying.

"Do you know where the off button is?"

Spider-Man ignores him and continues to check the baby. "Well, it's not hurt, I don't think, and I doesn't seem to need a diaper change just yet, thank goodness."

"Oh, I wasn't worried about that. I knew the writer wouldn't want to detail _that_ scene."

"What are you even talking about?" Spider-Man doesn't wait for a response as he continues to inspect the child. "Seems it just needs a nap. Or food. Neither we can really help with right now. How did this even happen?"

Deadpool told him a condensed version of the story, as Spidey shook his head.

"So, that's when I decided to come to you! Hey, do you think you can check out the police station? See if anyone reported a missing baby yet?"

"WHY DIDN'T YOU GO IN THE FIRST PLACE!?"

"Hey, now, don't raise your voice in front of the child like that!" Deadpool said while taking the baby back. He starts dangling a full magazine clip in front of it, saying, "Stop crying and look at the shiny object!"

Spidey carefully takes the baby back from him. "Thanks for the help, but I think it's best if I hold him."

Deadpool shrugs. "But seriously. I _can't_ go and check. Not with you-know-who out on patrol. You'd end up having to bust me out of jail, which I know you won't, which means I'll have to do it myself! And even if he wasn't there, Deadpool showing up with a baby is just… odd… how would I even explain it? It's not like it's a common and expected sight. How many babysitter ads do you see that says, 'Mercenary, good with infants, knows CPR and how to use katanas.' C'mon now Spidey, just do this for me."

"You could have slipped out of your suit and gone, and no one would know you're Deadpool. _He_ wouldn't know you're Deadpool. Just a good Samaritan helping a lost child." Spider-Man continued to bounce the baby, lulling it into a softer, less noisy cry.

"Correction, a suspicious and possibly perverted Samaritan. Not saying I am. Just saying that's how they'll see it if I took that awful last suggestion."

"Why? Because of the scars?"

"That doesn't help, no, but mainly because if I take off my suit… wait, is that what you want, Spidey?" Deadpool started rolling his hips and shoulders as he pretended that he was trying to remove his suit.

"Wade. Stop. Now. You know what I meant. I meant slip out of the suit and into normal clothes. Not literally just remove your suit and walk around in your underwear."

"Bold of you to assume there would be underwear."

Spider-Man stood there, frozen in place, no longer bouncing the baby. Wade knew that under his mask. Peter was giving him a disapproving stare.

_But he's thinking about it now, and that's all that matters._

Peter starts bouncing the baby again, groaning out loud. "You hopeless, you know that?"

"I DO! So does that mean you'll help me?"

"Fine. Tell me where you hid the carriage and I'll go take the baby to the police station myself."

Spider-Man straps the baby back into Wade's makeshift baby holster. They made their way back to the alley with the pram. Spider-Man starts to set the baby down inside when Deadpool shouts, "Wait! My babies!"

"Ah, hell, DP, don't tell me you already got attached to-"

"Excuse you! I've been attached since the day I bought them!" Deadpool sassed as he reached past Peter and pulled out two guns he hid in the carriage, just under the pillow. He also pulled out a strap of magazine clips, three knifes, and a capri-sun.

"Is that it?" Spider-Man asked, holding the baby up above the carriage.

"There's also a slim jim in there but I figured the baby could have it. Something to remember me by."

"Take it out. Now."

Wade groans and extends the cover of the pram, a strip of beef jerky falling onto the pillow in the process. He picks it up, shoving it in belt, before lowering the cover again.

"And whatever else you left for the baby to remember you by."

"That was it, I swe-"

"Now."

With another groan, Deadpool reaches into the diaper bag and pulls out another knife.

Peter sets the baby back into the carriage, covering him with the blanket and inspecting the carriage for any other surprises Deadpool left behind. Meanwhile, Deadpool donned his typical outfit again, complete with guns, clips, and katanas.

Spider-Man watches as Deadpool keeps patting down his torso, especially his back.

"What are you doing?"

"I feel as though something is missing. Like a part of me is gone now." His arms go limp at his side. "Is this what empty nest syndrome feels like?"

"No. It's what's darn near 20 pounds of human life no longer being strapped to your back feels like."

Deadpool slaps a hand over his chest and breathes out heavily while chuckling. "Great! I was worried about that. I don't even have a nest, and now it's empty!? That would have been quite concerning."

Spider-Man rolled his eyes, even though he knew Wade couldn't see it through the mask. He then tilts his head at the basket.

"What's wrong, Petey?"

"Nothing. Little dude must have been tired. He's conked out."

Deadpool peeked over and saw that the baby indeed was asleep. "Oh, I see how it is! You scream your head off at me, but with Spidey you doze right off, you little-"

"Chill, man. At least it's not crying now."

"Whatever," Deadpool scoffed, clearly offended and jealous. "So what now?"

"Wait right here, I'll go hand the child over to the police department."

Wade didn't wait though. He snuck around between alleyways and parked cars, watching as Spider-Man pushed a baby carriage through several New York blocks. At one point, Spider-Man stopped, looked over his shoulder, and hissed, "The hell you are doing?"

"I just wanted to watch…" came a voice from behind some trashcans on the curb. Spider-Man continued to stare in that direction. Without a verbal response from Spider-Man, Deadpool make the mistake of peeking out from his hiding spot. He startled when he saw Peter looking at him, knocking over the lid to one of the trashcans, fumbling to catch it before it crashed to the ground, possibly waking up the baby.

"Fine! I know I'm being a helicopter parents, but _IT'S BECAUSE I CARE!_"

Spider-Man shook his head and walk the last block and a half to the police station.

Wade hid on the fire escape stairs outside an apartment, watching the police station. When Spider-Man finally walked out, he was awkwardly rubbing the back of his head, while shaking hands with two policemen and a lady. She had a bandage around her head and was holding the baby against her chest.

_Oh… so that's why I couldn't find her… she must have gotten knocked out during that fight, and then her carriage… well… at least they're all back together now… _

Wade climbs up to the roof, and Spider-Man spots him. He swings up and sits on the ledge just moments before Wade pulls himself up onto the rooftop.

"Oof. Glad that's taken care of."

"Right." Spider-Man replied. "Next time, but hopefully there won't be a next time, but if there is… just turn the baby in. Maybe Mr. Wannabe-cop-of-the-year would see it as a good sign and back off a little."

"UGH! You're right! I totally missed my chance! Spidey, we need to get that baby back!"

"WADE, NO!"

"Fine. But hey, that wasn't so bad."

"Nah. I guess not. Not too much drama."

"Right! So… do you think we should have our own?"

Spider-Man throws his head back in frustration, groaning out loud. Wade sees him raising an arm, hears the familiar _THWIP_, and he's gone.

"IS THAT A 'NO,' OR…"

-the end-


End file.
